Tag Archives: squats

Line of Sight

*Note the angle of this photo...from the front but not directly in my face. Thank you, coach.

*Note the angle of this photo…from the front but not directly in my face. Thank you, coach.

One of Ali’s repair jobs next door could explode, sending flaming chunks of automobile into our box, igniting the wallballs and turning the plyo boxes into a giant bonfire; and as the climbing rope burns like a candle wick and the ceiling starts to collapse; Rob would still finish his squat ladder, saying something like, “This should only take you six seconds,” as the bumpers smolder at the ends of the bar on his shoulders.

Of course, we’d expect that of a coach.

The rest of us mortals get annoyed or distracted by certain things.

I don’t mind if people watch me squat–it’s a part of this whole process. We encourage each other, and we help each other, because until I can feel the movement in my bones, I can’t always tell what I’m doing wrong.

But if you’re going to watch someone, don’t fucking stand directly in front of them. I mean, seriously. Think about it.

When I’m squatting, I’m keeping my head neutral, and if your body is directly in front of me, where do I look? Your face is too high, your feet are too low, if I look to the side I’ll get a kink in my neck: no, I have to look you squarely in the belly or at your shorts, depending on your height. And I don’t know about you, but this seems a little awkward to me–especially if you’re a guy.

The reader, at this point, might say, “Well, can’t you just tell him nicely to move?”

I probably could, IF I weren’t already descending towards the ground with 70 kilograms on my shoulders.

Sometimes we accidentally find ourselves standing in front of someone, or blocking the clock with our sweaty bodies as we chug our water bottles–I’m not talking about accidental bodily misplacement. I’m talking about deliberate hovering.

People, people, please, we all watch each other at Crossfit. It’s okay. But if you don’t know where to stand, take a look at what the coaches are doing. I have never once seen a coach stand directly in front of me. They always stand to the side a little, or directly to the side, so they can make sure my knees aren’t riding over my toes, or behind me, to endow me with their super-strength as I combat gravity with a barbell.

If you stand directly in front of me while I squat, (and by directly, I mean squarely eyeball to eyeball, 1 meter or less, AND you’re not actively lifting on the opposite rack) then unless you are one of my friends, all I can think about is punching you in the face when I’m done, and that’s probably not a healthy response.

If I were competing, I know there would be people in front of me–but if I’m strong enough to compete, then I hope my focus could endure ogling, hovering, flash photography, train wrecks and forest fires.

Until then, gentlemen, stay out of my line of sight; because if I don’t bore holes into your body with my stinkeye, then with all the ladylike grace I can muster, I’ll have to growl a string of bad words at you as I lift, and I don’t enjoy doing that, unless it’s an emergency.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Why You Should Not Crossfit

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1) Crossfit is hard. Why be uncomfortable?

2) You’ll look stupid. Even if you perform a move correctly, who wants to be outdone by someone twice their age and half their size?

3) Crossfitting is extreme. It’s only for pro athletes and former Olympians.

4) You’ll start using ‘Crossfit’ as a verb–or worse yet, a gerund (see #3).

5) You’ve already tried insane workouts, and you didn’t get six-pack abs in six weeks; in fact, you got injured–Crossfit is just the same as all of those other fads.

6) You’d prefer something fun and pain-free, like Zumba.

7) Your hands will get dirty.

8) Squatting is obscene. (Someone might see your butt).

9) You’ll need to invest in a new wardrobe. Places that were too snug will be too loose, and places that were too loose will be too snug.

10) You might start looking sexy (see #9), and who needs that kind of attention?

11) You might start feeling sexy, and who needs that kind of pressure?

12) You might become more driven, energetic and focused.

13) Your athletic body and new mindset will cause all sorts of problems in your current relationship (see #9-12).

14) Your old friends will send you links to online quizzes, to see if you belong to a cult. They may even host an intervention for you.

15) You won’t be able to hide anything from your new friends–you’ll have to be yourself.

16) You’ll stop believing myths about Crossfit.


Creative WODing: Session 1

Some days you just can’t get to the box, so you improvise at home.

The WOD called for body weight squats–but since our coach didn’t say whose body weight…I used my kids and my dog.

I KNOW my burpees look like a walrus arriving on shore; and I have bad form during my squats–but labradors and kids are wiggly; so I gave it my best shot.

I call this Creative WOD the LabbyNo!

Enjoy!